...in actuality...

...as much as i want her to, she just can't understand...she just can't understand these situations now because she's never had to experience them before...just not enough time for the reality to set in...like it's set in for some...most...that have seen this on a regular basis...sometimes i really feel like its an extravaganza to her awareness...like she literally can't believe this is how it is...although she's probably heard, read, and watched the same story over and over, she still doesn't realize that that is the majority...maybe the death and the curse...the media portrays it so often, the harsh reality often looses its edge...people forget it's real...not just on television...seems like most people end up like that...the people who are on the outside of actuality...not immediate actuality...the actuality they see on television...i rememrber she would send cards often...telling me about her experiences...her days...her work...her students. she seemed upset @ some of the situations the kids were forced to go through...so new and suprising...i could only think to myself...all i've ever know is what you see now...these same situations were witnessed everyday...

...my surprise came along with her surprise...i was not surprised about what she saw...but by the fact that it was really just becoming real for her...none of this is her fault...not her fault that she wasn't privy to those experiences...i'm glad for her. but it hurts me...when i realize that even though we are the same on so many levels...although we come from places not too far apart...we might as well be from different planets...

...i see her world...and i understand it fully...its the other world we see on television...the world everybody knows...brightly colored children's rooms...games, toys, pets...mom and dad...birthday surprises...breakfast...even things that are expected...good schools...the opportunity to learn and socialize...to learn this world...things like book fair money, new cars, studies abroad...that world isn't offered to everyone...

...but its not her fault...hope i don't sound as if i feel that is a bad thing...not so much that, but i feel like my life was great without them...i just wish she could see my world like i can see hers...i wish there was no security mirror...i wish she could understand how hard it is...to know that no matter how much i wish, i know she will never be conscious of those things...not the way some are...she wasn't awarded that...

...i see her angry...i see her distance herself from me...seems like she almost wants to hate me..only because that's the next best thing to having never known me...she probably thinks i'm mean...cruel...for not letting her in...for not giving her as much of me as she has offered of herself...and i understand...i understand fully...but she doesn't...and i'm not too sure she ever will...its like a child who has watched her first magician...you cant blame the child for being amazed...until that point in her life she's been taught to believe what she has seen...and she hasn't seen this...

...and that's not her fault...from what she knows, she should be amazed...that's how this happens...i feel the same way about her, though...to her credit, she hasn't seen what i've seen or been in the situations i've been in or understand where my reasoning comes from. to her i don't have a reason...she can't see it...so there isn't a basis for my actions. i'm sorry.