...in actuality...

...as much as i want her to, she just can't understand...she just can't understand these situations now because she's never had to experience them before...just not enough time for the reality to set in...like it's set in for some...most...that have seen this on a regular basis...sometimes i really feel like its an extravaganza to her awareness...like she literally can't believe this is how it is...although she's probably heard, read, and watched the same story over and over, she still doesn't realize that that is the majority...maybe the death and the curse...the media portrays it so often, the harsh reality often looses its edge...people forget it's real...not just on television...seems like most people end up like that...the people who are on the outside of actuality...not immediate actuality...the actuality they see on television...i rememrber she would send cards often...telling me about her experiences...her days...her work...her students. she seemed upset @ some of the situations the kids were forced to go through...so new and suprising...i could only think to myself...all i've ever know is what you see now...these same situations were witnessed everyday...

...my surprise came along with her surprise...i was not surprised about what she saw...but by the fact that it was really just becoming real for her...none of this is her fault...not her fault that she wasn't privy to those experiences...i'm glad for her. but it hurts me...when i realize that even though we are the same on so many levels...although we come from places not too far apart...we might as well be from different planets...

...i see her world...and i understand it fully...its the other world we see on television...the world everybody knows...brightly colored children's rooms...games, toys, pets...mom and dad...birthday surprises...breakfast...even things that are expected...good schools...the opportunity to learn and socialize...to learn this world...things like book fair money, new cars, studies abroad...that world isn't offered to everyone...

...but its not her fault...hope i don't sound as if i feel that is a bad thing...not so much that, but i feel like my life was great without them...i just wish she could see my world like i can see hers...i wish there was no security mirror...i wish she could understand how hard it is...to know that no matter how much i wish, i know she will never be conscious of those things...not the way some are...she wasn't awarded that...

...i see her angry...i see her distance herself from me...seems like she almost wants to hate me..only because that's the next best thing to having never known me...she probably thinks i'm mean...cruel...for not letting her in...for not giving her as much of me as she has offered of herself...and i understand...i understand fully...but she doesn't...and i'm not too sure she ever will...its like a child who has watched her first magician...you cant blame the child for being amazed...until that point in her life she's been taught to believe what she has seen...and she hasn't seen this...

...and that's not her fault...from what she knows, she should be amazed...that's how this happens...i feel the same way about her, though...to her credit, she hasn't seen what i've seen or been in the situations i've been in or understand where my reasoning comes from. to her i don't have a reason...she can't see it...so there isn't a basis for my actions. i'm sorry.

...born at night...not last night...why?

...in short...i was watching a tempurpedic commercial and was amazed (no, really, i was) by this add...one of their critical selling points was the way it "absorbs energy and relieves pressure to ensure that partners do not feel each other's movements and sleep more soundly"...think about that for a minute. (cut to woman and man) she says..."i sleep right through the night...even when he moves around or gets up i dont notice"...1) "ensure that partners do not feel each other's movements" was part of the original statement 2) i'm guessing "sleep more soundly" just means less movement than before, right? ha...big picture...we don't even notice it...

dream. please...

...rêvez non seulement pendant la nuit...s'il te plaît...

...a gift...

...i see you laugh...i see you smile...i know you're loving this...it gets no better...not in your mind...not right now...even though i know better...i smile too...i'll let you be happy...you deserve it...

...two things for certain...

...i like her...and i'm just realizing it. i like her...and i don't even know her. i do...i really like her...and i don't even know if i'm supposed to. so i do what i do in most situations...i say fuck it. hell yeah, i like her...and why wouldn't i? she's good. i'd love to say great, but once again, i don't know her...

...even though she doesn't speak much, at least not to me, she's said so much. she makes me think...while i'm wide awake...about more than most could evision in their most spirited dreams...and my thoughts are usually not even about her. i think about losing my credit card on dover street...about how i should have told the waitress "peux j'avoir plus de citron presse"...about how water really works...she's made me talk...about how much better a deck of cards would be if there were two suits and four colors...about how, in actuality, i think everyone probably has the same favorite color...

...now, she has me writing...about her. about her slim frame...with areas not so slim. the smooth caramel skin, almost polished...the pitch-dark strands of silk she calls hair. her perfect lips...full and smooth, all at once...waiting...wanting...to call a name. and it doesn't have to be mine. as long as i can listen. as long as i can watch. her deep, dark eyes...obsidian...so void of this world and so full of truth. her style...its everything...from every runway and every magazine.

...there is only one problem. i don't know her...and i don't know if i'm supposed to. of course, i want to...would probably ask to...but it doesn't always work like that...so i'll wait. not on her. but on me. until i'm ready...until i'm able to give her the same feelings she gives me. maybe more.

...i can't say i want her...because i don't know her. sounds like a perfect excuse to get to know her, eh?

yes, it does...because she is...as far as i know...what i want.

...i hate rap music...

...i hate rap music. i love it so much...probably more than most. yet i hate it so much more. it gives 19 year old men and women, who have such inspirational visions and an uncanny ability to relay those visions through words, be it articulately or not, the chance to LIVE. to do things that most kids from their situations/backgrouds shouldn't think is real. not when compared to what they see on a daily. they can relay what goes on in the lives of the majority of the minority...they can bring attention to all the problems that they face...whether those problems are solved or not is an entirely different subject. but it allows them to put it on the table. its a great way to teach. it does a number of things...it ispires...it informs...but lets hope its not instructing...

...at the end of the day...THEY play this. THEY flood the televisions, radios, and internet with it. THEY keep it in steady rotation. to keep a steady image in our brains...this is what it is...this is how its happening. this is what you're supposed to do. this is how you're supposed to act. i hope these aren't the instructions...i hope we aren't following them...

...identity doesn't exist...

...i talk a lot...but i think a lot more…

...as of late i've been a lot more vocal...on subjects that i've tended to shy away from in the past. not because i didn’t want to discuss them, or because i didn’t have an opinion…but because my take on these subjects were certain to evoke extreme emotion from others. others who i see as good people, albeit suffocated by a lack of self-expression, but nonetheless good people…i have learned to disregard these feelings...and say what i feel...

…it never ceases to amaze me…the way people are so void of their own thoughts these days…media is meant to inform…not instruct. being cool used to not be cool…now it is. everybody’s rockin bright colors and dope chains…everybody rocks wayfarers …knockoffs or not. high tops and fitted jeans. All the girlies claim to be “divas”…they are all irreplaceable. all singing “to the left, to the left”…

...i think its good to be me.

...so thats what i do...and there's a lot more to come.